What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 02:47
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was in good health!
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But ive been too sick for many years..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I couldn’t, believe it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i lived it daily.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It was going to be , some day.
She married twice! .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So whats the point in blame.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I think the readers, may guess!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Especially a lifetime of it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
This is soul school!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He knew the spot.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But, we were locked up after school.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I will be 64.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She found it foreign!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Who then, do I blame.?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Would this be the day?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As i do to all so called friends.?
What did i know ?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We all went to grammer schools
I don,t even have a pension.
My life is so biszare .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I have no regrets .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But it wasn’t much.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She loved him until the end.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
(And it was in our own minds.)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My family never makes their pension either.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was scared of men, in general
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She wouldn,t have been !
I said to her
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was very sick at this time too.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Put me off passion for life!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot live in the past .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We were not on the streets..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was seconnd youngest,
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im still living with it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So, i spoilt her more .
He resisted the act ,that day.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I waited trembling.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Comes on , in middle age.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Ive learnt so much.
All the time i was locked up.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is how, and why children get BPD.